Social Isolation #1: The TPocalypse

Happy Sunday Funday, wine lovers! Welcome to deadly disease outbreak paranoia season!

Who knew that Scott tissue would become the new gold, officially backing US currency? Citizens of America have been swept up in toilet paper mania. Even though Costco fistfights are an epic way to spend a weekend morning, the mega-virus named for a Mexican beer does not cause erupting mud-butt, so please abstain from becoming a royal douche bag panic-hoarder. If I had endless storage space, I wouldn’t stock up on truckloads of Charmin, I’d scoop up all the wine in town and wipe my ass with a ratty old towel. But since I am on a budget, I’ve only purchased a couple affordable bottles and a Bota Box Chardonnay.

I’m not saying I haven’t been pummeled by the tidal wave of panic, because I have. Five minutes ago, I finished simmering about ten gallons of beef stock. I am no-waste meal planning with a detailed checklist of every ounce of food in my house. Also, what began as a joke about murdering the five turkeys that live in my neighborhood now sounds like an appealing alternative to braving the Giant Eagle.

To make matters worse, my kids are going to be mega-bored with no school or activities, and I might actually lose my mind. To quell that ominous potential reality, I plotted out some Pinterest crafts and games, and I’m praying to every god in existence for pleasant weather. Hopefully the two weeks of isolation will help more citizens make it through unscathed from illness, especially those who are compromised.

In case anybody is looking for practical advice from a hot-mess, wine-loving mom, I have compiled a list.

Apocalypse 2020 pointers:

Wash your hands! Scrub them as if your five year old made you hold her hand while admitting she just used it to dig “stuff” out of her butt.

Your essential oils are worthless now. Don’t even try to put up an argument, Linda. Recommending eucalyptus oil in a hot bath to open airways is all I’m going to let you get away with.

STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION!!! If you’re not a reputable news person working with the CDC, WHO, or a state or municipal health department, shut it. I’ve seen more conspiracy theories and dumbass opinions today than I can count. And, like my daughter, I can count all the numbers. Loudly.

Do something nice. Have your kids color pictures for folks in nursing homes who cannot receive visitors. Write thank-you letters to healthcare workers. Leave a bag of candy for your mailman. Telephone an at-risk neighbor and ask if they have enough food. You don’t have to be a jerk just because the world is in a panic.

If necessary, and if it’s legal in your state, order some wine online. Get that case of fermented grape goodness delivered to your front porch, give the delivery guy the sexiest wink you can muster in the pajamas you’ve worn for three days, Lysol the shit out of the outside of the box, then haul it in and enjoy.

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